Using family rules

Family rules aim to help everyone in the family get along better. Creating family rules can be a powerful way to help your children understand how you would like everyone in the family to treat each other.

Children that are involved in creating the family rules will feel they have had a say in the process. They will be more willing to follow them.

Discussing family rules gives children the opportunity to practise voicing their own opinions. Parents will also be able to role model how to share ideas calmly.

Making good family rules involves guiding your child’s behaviour in a clear, specific and positive way. You say exactly what behaviour you want to see. For example, ‘We speak to each other politely, like saying “please” when we ask for something’. Or ‘we use indoor voices inside the house’.

Creating family rules together won’t stop children (and parents!) from breaking these rules! When that happens, you can choose to remind them about the rules and to give them another chance. In some situations, it might be necessary to give your children an immediate consequence for breaking the rules.

It is helpful to talk with your children about the consequences of breaking the family rules from the start. If your children understand and agree about what will happen when they break the family rules, it may be easier for them to accept the consequences when they are given. Check our topic on limits and consequences.

It can be tempting to introduce many rules at once but this can be overwhelming for children. It also makes it very hard for parents to be consistent. Choose your top three rules and work on ONE at a time. For rules to work in the long run, you also need to notice and praise your children for sticking to them. Check our topic on praise and rewards.

● Family rules should be focused on the most important things for you and your family.

● Your family rules should tell children what you want them to do, rather than what not to do. For example, ‘Walk in the house’ rather than ‘Don’t run in the house’.

● You might include rules about:

• physical behaviour towards each other – for example, ‘use kind hands,

• manners – for example, ‘We listen to each other when we are talking,

• daily routines – for example, ‘We tidy away things when we have finished with them,

• respect for each other – for example ‘we ask before we use something in the house’

• screen use – for example, ‘We turn off ipads at 7pm’.

● Keep it simple! Only focus on 3 rules at a time. It will be harder for children to remember everything on a long list of rules.

● Review family rules from time to time with your children to check if they are still working.

● Have regular ‘family meetings’. You can make family meetings fun by introducing a family activity or ritual afterwards. Family meetings can be a good time to give your children praise for their efforts to keep the rules. It is also a time to remind everyone about the most important rules.

● A family meeting might also be the time that you talk about any of the rules that may need to change or be added. In a similar way to when you made new rules, it can be good to involve your children in making changes to rules.