The importance of limits and consequences for children

• Limits are like lines on a sports field. If you cross them the consequence is the game stops, or someone gets a penalty. Children can understand limits and consequences in the same way.
• An example of this is saying ‘you’ll be cold if you don’t wear your coat.’ Or - ‘if you want to stay up ‘til 8.30pm at the weekend your light needs to be off by 7.30pm in the week.’
• Sometimes we call limits ‘rules’. It’s completely natural for children to test limits to see how far they can stretch them.
• Parents can help children become independent and responsible using limits and consequences.

• They make children feel safe as they know what’s expected of them.
• It tells children that adults are in charge and looking after them.
• Limits and consequences teach children to make good choices.
• Children can then create their own boundaries to say ‘no’ to situations that may hurt them.
• Limits and consequences take the heat out of power struggles. You and your child know exactly what’s required and what will happen if rules are not followed.

• Remember - be friendly, positive, and consistent. It takes a lot of strength and patience. This isn’t about punishing your child; it’s about helping them to learn.
• Give clear and give positive instructions. For instance - ‘play with your new ball outside in the garden’ rather than ‘don’t kick the ball in the living room’.
• Make the consequences fair and suitable for your child’s age. For example, if they’re young and they deliberately make a mess - ask them to help you clean it up. If they’re older you could give them a time by which you will expect them to have independently tied up.
• Get your child involved in setting up a rule and a consequence. For instance, ask them what consequence they think would be fair if homework wasn’t done, or they deliberately break something.
• Use consequences that are short and reasonable and put them in place straight away. ‘If you put on your coat, then we can go to the park, otherwise we stay inside’. ‘If you don’t come off your computer now, you’ll lose computer time later’.
• Check that you can live with the consequences you’ve set up. Avoid threats like ‘You won’t be allowed to watch TV for a year!’ That’s because you’d never be able to enforce that, and it’ll confuse your child and undermine your authority.
• Once a consequence is done, everyone can start again.
• Give your child a chance to try again and succeed as soon as you can. Remember to praise them when they do!
• Don’t bring up the past – forgive and move on. This can be extremely hard!
• Respect your child’s boundaries too. If they say they don’t like you calling them a nickname or tickling them, don’t.

Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. Check out our list of support that we can recommend.