Using praise and reward with children

Children aren’t born naughty or well-behaved. They need to learn about the world around them and how to behave and respond. They do this by watching others. And by learning from the reactions that they get. Positive behaviour in children grows with praise and reward.

When children get attention for doing something, they are more likely to do it again. So it’s really important to pay attention to the things we want to see more of - and not just the behaviour we want to stop! For instance, you could say, “Great job putting away the toys the first time I asked”.

Praise and encouragement can support positive self-image and confidence, self-motivation and self-belief. All of those things make it more likely that children will go on to master new skills.

It also helps when children are trying and learning new things. Recognising their efforts helps them stick to a difficult task. When we have someone else cheering us on we want to keep trying.  

Children seek any kind of attention. Sometimes unwanted behaviour is their way of getting your attention, even though it’s not positive!

The idea of using praise and reward to encourage positive behaviour sounds simple enough, but lots of things can make it tricky.

• If there’s more than one adult in the family, it’s not always easy to agree on how to notice and encourage effort.
• It can be hard to separate rewards and punishments. And it can be tempting to use praise and rewards to get your child to do something against their wishes.
• Some children find it hard to accept praise. They may feel undeserving, or afraid that they won’t be able to achieve it again.   
• Sometimes if we are stressed or depressed, it’s very hard to see things that are praiseworthy. It may be helpful to speak to your GP or the pastoral team at school to get some support.

Remember that children develop at different rates. You know your own child best and what is reasonable given their age and stage of development.  

There are lots of ways to build your skills in using praise and reward. Once you notice how your child responds to praise and encouragement, you’ll soon get to know what works for them. 

Rewards are often thought of as money, gifts or food but attention is the most powerful reward of all. Playing a favourite game, reading a story or helping with cooking can all be rewards. Praise can be a smile, a hug, a pat or touching an arm. It can be a cheer or a high-five. 

Try some of these ideas and see what works for you.

• Notice and name the wanted behaviour or effort. Reward or praise it as soon as you see it. Try, “Well done for sharing with your sister” or, “Thank you for playing quietly when I was talking on the phone”.
• Linking to effort rather than success or being the best at something is a good idea.
• Try to link praise and rewards to small everyday things as well as bigger things. Value a kind word or action or everyday effort.  
• Use praise to encourage people to keep trying, “Your Maths homework was super hard, but you kept going. Well done!”
• Always follow through with promised rewards. Otherwise, your child won’t trust you when you offer a reward. And they might stop trying. 
• Let your child know you’re proud of their efforts and try not to suggest alternative ways of doing things too soon. Perhaps model new ways of trying things in a sensitive way to build on their confidence.  
• Talk about how pleased and satisfied you feel when you’ve tried really hard.

Big changes won’t usually happen overnight. If you are trying to encourage a particular behaviour or skill, keep going until they get the hang of it.

Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. Check out our list of support that we can recommend.