How to ignore irritating behaviours effectively

- Children often misbehave because they want attention. Try a selective ignoring approach to get them to stop.

Things you can try

Make sure your child is not unsafe, hurting themselves or another person or damaging property

In any situation where your child or others are at risk, you must react immediately and deal with their behaviour. The approach this page talks about is not for those situations.
If your child is safe but annoying - prepare to try selective ignoring

Often, we can be quick to tell our children off or even nag or shout at them. This doesn’t correct their behaviour and usually makes us, and them, feel bad. They may even do it more because they want attention and even an irritated parent is better than nothing! But if you can selectively ignore the bad behaviour, it will decrease over time.
Think of things children do that do not hurt anyone but that are annoying or socially not acceptable. Start with the ones that wind you up the most! Here are some ideas.

Pouting

Sulking

Screaming

Shouting

Banging

Temper tantrums

Answering back

Swearing

Whining

Moaning

Complaining

Sassing

Name-calling

Interrupting

Dawdling

Funny noises

Messy eating

Fiddling

Pulling faces
Pick one annoying behaviour and tell your child what you are going to do about it

Working on one thing at a time makes things clearer for the child. It's also easier for you to focus and get used to how it feels.

It's important to be clear about your expectations, so your child understands what they need to change.

For example, you might say: "When you're whining, I'm not going to talk to you or answer you. As soon as you talk to me in a normal voice, I'll give you my attention". Once you have explained, then start to ignore the behaviour right away.
Be consistent. If there is a behaviour you don't want, you will need to keep selectively ignoring it until it goes away. If you sometimes notice it and sometimes don't, your child will keep pushing to see if you give them attention this time.

Avoid eye contact, avoid saying anything about their behaviour and avoid giving physical contact. Aim to be neutral and return attention and praise as soon as your child stops.

Often behaviour will get worse before it gets better. Be ready for this.

Selective ignoring is uncomfortable to do as a parent and to experience as a child. This is ok. Your child might be angry or upset, but this is NOT the same as the distress they feel when they are really hurt or scared.

Distractions count as selective ignoring too. Sometimes it is easier to say: "come and look at this", instead of saying nothing. That's ok. You're still not giving attention to the unwanted behaviour.

For more tips on what to do when you are feeling wound up or irritated by your child, try our topic My child pushes my buttons.
Keep calmly ignoring the behaviour when it happens

This is not the same as ignoring your child. Be aware of them as you focus on staying calm. By paying attention calmly, you can notice their behaviour changes - and react. You also give them a model of using self-control in the face of strong feelings.
Deep breath in and deep breath out. Do this three times.

Think of calming colours or places that make you feel calm like the sea.

Walk away briefly, say you are coming back in a minute and then come back

Turn on some music softly

Have a drink of water

Talk to yourself with understanding - saying ‘This is hard and I feel upset. I am helping my child to learn a better way to behave’. You can repeat this over and over if it helps.

Remind yourself that this moment will pass and that your child can’t scream forever.

Change any untrue and negative thoughts like – ‘my child is a monster’ to ‘my child is not a monster. They are small child who is very upset’. Or - ‘He is just like his father’ to ‘he is my son and it’s my job to teach him’. ‘I can’t handle this’ to ‘I am finding this upsetting and I will want a cup of tea afterwards’.
Notice when the behaviour stops and praise your child

As soon as they stop the unwanted behaviour, you need to be quick to praise them for the behaviour that you do want.

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How to ignore irritating behaviours effectively

Things you can try

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My child pushes my buttons

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Healthy habits for parenting

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How to ignore irritating behaviours effectively

Things you can try

It’s not easy! Top tips for effective selective ignoring

Tips for staying calm

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Read more on this topic

My child pushes my buttons

My child and I keep getting into arguments

Healthy habits for parenting

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