How do I get my child to listen?

It’s really common to find it difficult to get your child to do what you ask them. We’ve all felt how exhausting and frustrating this can be.

There are lots of reasons why telling children what to do can be tricky and go wrong.

Learning the most effective way to give instructions can help make family life a lot less stressful.

Giving too many instructions in one go

Life is busy! There’s a lot we want our child to know or do, so often we give too many instructions in one go. For example, we say: ‘Stop talking, finish your breakfast and then go and clean your teeth and get dressed. Put on clean socks and remember to wear your trainers today because it is sports day.’ Then we find we have to repeat ourselves over and over again.

That’s because our child’s only heard or remembered part of what we said. Sometimes we need to pick one thing at a time!

Expecting our child to be able to do things that are too hard for them

You know your child best, and you’ll have a good idea of what they are able to do at any stage of their lives.

But sometimes, we forget that what’s easy one day, is hard the next. It can depend on many things. For example, whether a child can dress themselves without help can vary from day to day.

Telling children what to do by asking them a question

Sometimes we do this because we think it sounds more polite, or because we feel it is important to give children choices. For example, we say: ‘Would you like to clean your teeth now?’ This sounds like a choice.

If there is something we need our child to do, and we are not giving them a choice about it, then it is important to be clear. ‘Time to clean your teeth now.’

Picking just one instruction at a time

• Ask yourself – do I really need to tell my child to do this or not?
• Be realistic. Don’t ask for things you think they might find hard to do. Pick the task you know they can complete. Break down big tasks into smaller ones.

Planning how you are going to ask

• Use choices when they help your child follow the instruction you want to give. For example, ‘We can stay inside or you can put your coat on and then we will go outside to the park.’
• Give your child time to prepare. It can be hard for a child to change from doing one thing to do another so give them warning. For example, ‘In 5 minutes I am going to tell you to tidy up'.
• Think about whether the instruction is clear. We sometimes tell our child things that are clearer to us than they are to them. For example, ‘Behave yourself’. What is it that we want our child to do or not do when we say this?
• Practise what you want to say in your head before you say it.

Making sure your child is listening

• Stop what you are doing.
• Get down to their level.
• Use their name so that they are looking at you.

Being clear

• Keep the instruction short and simple.
• Use a calm voice.
• Include a deadline, eg: “Time to brush your teeth now”.

After you’ve given the instruction

• Give time for the child to do what you have told them. Your child needs a few moments to process the instruction and decide how to respond. Wait 10 seconds before you say anything more.

• Praise your child when they do what you have told them to do. This will make it more likely for them to do this more often.