Building listening skills for parents

Remember when you used to listen to every sound your baby made and everything they did? You used to puzzle over exactly what they wanted? This type of listening helps them learn that they are safe and you will meet their needs.

When you listen to your older child with that same attention you can give them strong self-esteem and prepare them for the world. You can give them the sense that “I really matter”.

Most of us find it harder to do the older a child gets. But it’s really important. When you listen carefully, it helps you name their feelings and show you understand them. That can help them understand their own emotions. And that can help stop their behaviour getting louder and bigger.

Plus, when you show them great listening, they learn to listen to other people!

You probably feel that you do nothing but listen to your child - and just want to know how to help them - most of us do at one time or another!

All behaviour is communication - but it isn’t always clear what it is telling us. And listening in the right way is not so simple. Not many of us had parents who listened well to us when we were children - so we don’t have a model for what to do.

Plus, there’s a lot of things that happen when you start to listen that make it harder.

• It’s hard to face your child when they are angry at you.
• If they have strong feelings - shame, anger, jealousy or guilt - it can be hard to know how to help them.
• If you are truly listening to your child, you’ll start to pick up their feelings. That’s great for connecting to them - but it can make you start to feel out of control.

Guide to a listening conversation - try this when you are struggling to work out what your child needs.

Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to your child.

Find a way to talk with them that makes them feel comfortable - you could try any of these:

• Getting on to the same level as your child and showing them with your whole body you are ready and available to listen. Turn towards them or make eye contact.

• Being side by side with them, walking or sitting in a car (when someone else is driving).

• At lights out, sitting on the edge of their bed.

Focus on the facts of WHAT they are telling you and on how they are FEELING about it.

If you do ask questions try to make them open questions that will encourage them to share more.

Repeat that back to them in your own words.

Check with them - did you get the feeling right? And the cause of the feeling?

Summarise the conversation to let you child know you have fully heard them.

Use phrases like “it sounds like you are...” or “It seems like you feel...”
Try not to tell them to cheer up or to provide solutions - instead just show them that it is ok to feel what they are feeling.

Other things to try

• Set up rituals, times where it is easy to talk.
• Remember that it’s ok to not always have answers (you might need to practise this for yourself, so you can listen without your own stress taking over). Being listened to and feeling heard and understood can be enough for children to work out their own solution to a problem.
• Follow up on the conversation with action - show that you are taking your child’s feelings seriously. For example: 'I have been thinking about what you said the other day about X and wondered if we might do Y?'