How to help your child if they are self-harming

Remember you and your child are not alone

Self harm is an expression of distress or despair. It is no-one’s fault. You are not to blame. Self-harm typically starts between the age of 12 and 14, peaking between 15 and 17. However, self-harming behaviours can start much younger.

Most children will overcome this and learn better ways of coping with their distress.

Listen and express concern for their feelings

Let them know you have noticed a change in their behaviour, but avoid asking lots of questions. You could say: ‘I notice you’ve seemed a bit low recently and wondered how things are?’.

Some children find it easier to open up when you are doing an activity together, or are side by side (like walking or sitting in a car).

Do not ask your child to promise not to self-harm

Telling your child to stop self-harming is unlikely to make them stop. Your child may just hide the self-harm from you.

Help them work out their triggers: these could be a thought, a feeling or a situation they find overwhelming.

Help them notice what is going on in their bodies when the urge to self harm starts. For example, they might feel panicky, sick, shaky or sweaty. Or numb, spaced out and helpless. They might be thinking, ‘I am useless’, or ‘This is never going to get better’, ‘Nobody likes me’, ‘I am not going to be enough’.

Help them recognise what thoughts and feelings they are trying to manage and think of other ways to cope.

Think about coping strategies together

Talk to your child about different ways of coping they could try.

Make sure you give them space to find their own ways of coping and figure out what works for them.

But manage your expectations. The self harm may not stop immediately.

Be observant but try not to ‘police’ your child

You might (understandably!) want to supervise what they are doing all the time, but try and give them some space.

Being watched too closely might increase your child’s anxiety. The important thing is to stay connected.

Take care of yourself

Supporting a child who is self-harming can be a long process with many ups and downs.

You may be scared, shocked, ashamed, disgusted or disappointed. All of these feelings are normal, but they are not helpful for your child to see.

Reach out to trusted family and friends, or seek professional support from a counsellor or your GP.

Seek professional help

Discuss getting further help with your child whenever possible. You could speak to your GP, or the school’s mental health lead.

Self-harm is often a coping mechanism and not an expression of suicidal feelings. However, if you worry that your child is at risk of making a suicide attempt, call 999 or take them to Accident & Emergency (A&E).

Helplines we recommend:

Papyrus Hopeline

Shout

Young Minds Parents Helpline