Helping children develop positive gender identity

The World Health Organisation defines ‘sex’ as characteristics that are biologically defined, whereas ‘gender’ is based on socially constructed characteristics. It recognises that there are variations in how people experience gender based upon self-perception and expression, and how they behave.

When a baby is born in the UK their sex is recorded as, male or female, based on their body.

Ideas about gender identity

From the age of about 2 a child will have become aware of the physical differences between boys and girls. This is when gender identity starts to form.

By the age of about 3 most children will identify with a gender and this is most often the same as the sex recorded at birth. This is their gender identity.

For some children things are not so definite. They may identify with a different gender to the sex recorded at birth, or neither gender, or both, or something else. This is their gender identity.

Not everyone agrees but…

• Many people believe that gender is not a clear-cut ‘one or the other’ but more a spectrum with feminine (girl/woman) at one end and masculine (boy/man) at the other.

• Some people feel they are a mix, and others feel like they don’t fit on the spectrum at all. Some people identify as ‘non-binary’ or ‘gender queer’ to describe when their gender falls outside of the gender binary system, or fluctuates.

• Gender identity is seen as the child or adult’s internal sense of who they are, which may or may not correspond to the sex recorded at birth. No-one can assign a gender identity to another person.

• According to this definition gender identity is shaped not just by biology but also by family and society.

• Gender identity is different from sexual orientation which is a person’s emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to another person, or lack of. Gender identity does not predict sexual orientation.

• Gender identity can change over time for children and young people as they grow and develop

There can be a lot of pressure on children to identify as the ‘either/or’ binary gender. Some of this pressure comes from society and some can come from family.

Gender stereotypes such as ‘Come on, big boys don’t cry’ or ‘All girls like pink’ OR ‘Girls are not as good as sports as boys’ are unhelpful for all children.

As parents we need to provide child-centred support to help our children develop a confident and comfortable gender identity.

We need to recognise that:

• However a child identifies in terms of gender, this is an important part of who they are.
• Children who feel uneasy or ashamed about their gender identity can develop serious mental health difficulties
• Children who are encouraged to understand that gender is a spectrum are able to form a confident gender identity that properly reflects who they are. They don’t get twisted by stereotypes.
• Confident children who understand that gender is a spectrum are more open to supporting how other children identify.

It’s our job to provide positive messages.

The more openness there is in society to the flexible expression of gender and gender identity, the more possible it is for all children, young people and adults to feel included and accepted.

Challenge stereotypes

• Take care not to reinforce stereotypes through play. For example, when you have a mixed group of children say “who wants to play with the cars now?” not “ do you boys want to play with the cars?”
• Be prepared to help your children challenge their friends, and challenge what they find in shops. “Anyone can play football”, “there are no boys clothes or girls clothes, you can wear it if you like it”, “the home corner is for everyone” - these are the types of phrases you will need.

Challenge your own worries and fears

Of course, it’s not always easy to challenge stereotypes. It can be terrifying to think of how our children might get bullied if they don’t fit in. And particularly as a parent whose gender has always aligned with their assigned sex at birth – we often have some fairly fixed beliefs ourselves about what it is to be a boy or a girl.

We need to:

• Learn about gender identity. Talk to friends and experts who have experience of supporting children and young people who have worries about gender
• Be brave about getting ready for conversations where you can encourage your child that everyone can do and be whatever they want.

Provide opportunities for your children to express themselves

• Look at the toys you buy – choosing only dinosaurs and trains for boys and tea-sets and dolls for girls can reinforce stereotypes.
• Look for tv programmes and books and films that show how everyone is different – there is no such thing as a typical boy or girl.
• Create a space where your children can wear what they want to wear and play how they want to play. Make it a teasing free zone. ‘Or course it’s ok for your brother to dress up in your princess costume!’ Or ‘Anyone can be a racing driver’.

Stonewalls resources are written for teachers – but they can be really helpful for parents who want to support their children exploring gender identity. Read Stonewall’s advice on supporting children and young people. Not everyone agrees about the best approach to this issue but if we want the best for children and young people then a respectful debate and making time to listen is very important.

Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. Check out our list of support that we can recommend.