De-escalation techniques with children

All children might experience big upsets from time to time. Sometimes their emotions escalate and become overwhelming. Their behaviour can then also escalate and become destructive. Or some children might ‘shut down’ and refuse to listen.

Then, as parents, our emotions can get stronger too! It’s natural. But, it can make it even harder to manage our children’s behaviour.

Knowing how the escalation cycle works can help us deal with those situations. It can also be helpful to prevent our children (and us!) from repeating the same unhelpful cycle of behaviours in those moments.

The escalation cycle is made of six phases:

🙂 Calm phase

Signs: your child seems content, not agitated, able to engage in activities and enjoy them.

What to do: praise good behaviour and find opportunities to connect.

🤨 Trigger phase

Signs: your child may show signs of struggling to do something. They could be hungry, tired or bored.

What to do: help them work out what is bothering them, and solve it with them if you can.

😣 Escalation phase

Signs: your child displays signs of agitation such as whining or sulking.

What to do: distract and redirect your child’s attention.

😡 Overwhelm phase

Signs: your child seems out of control, for example they might be kicking, crying or screaming.

What to do: focus on safety, give space to your child to calm down. STAY CALM. Control your own response. This is your opportunity to model calm behavior. Focusing on your body language can help.

😟 De-escalation phase

Signs: your child is starting to calm down.

What to do: DO NOT rehash the incident. Show respect and compassion.

😐 Recover & Repair phase

Signs: your child is completely calm.

What to do: discuss what happened, problem solve together and practise calming techniques.

During moments when your children’s emotions are escalating it will be difficult for them to use their brains. They’ll struggle to think clearly or problem-solve effectively.

This means that it’s not the best time to try “talking it through”. You won’t be able to reason with a child who is near to the peak of their emotional escalation.

When our children’s emotions are escalating we often experience strong emotions too. And that can mean that we can’t reason clearly either.

Our children need us to be able to keep calm and help them with de-escalation. Easier said than done!

Because it’s so hard for anyone to think when we are overwhelmed, it’s better to think about ways of keeping calm before things escalate.

Check out our blog on this topic, where our Regional Clinical Lead, Cecilia Corbetta reflects on the challenge of coping with meltdowns, and her own personal experiences of de-escalation as a parent.

Calming activities for parents

You can try:

• Taking some deep breaths,
• Giving your brain something to focus on, like counting things in the room that are the same color.

Advance planning to avoid things escalating

Finding the right approach for your child might take some time. You know your child best, so try things out.

• First, identify your child’s triggers. Try writing down what happened at the time when your child's behaviour escalated. Record where you were, what happened just before and what happened afterwards. Do this for a week before looking at it to see if there are any patterns.
• Then, work out a plan to cope with those triggers before it happens. For example: if going on long shopping trips is difficult for your child to cope with, you make a plan. You could try shorter trips or activities that help your child cope while you are there.

Ideas for calming things down (De-escalation)

• When you notice signs that your child is becoming frustrated try to work out the trigger. If you can, help the child get what they need. That could be food, rest, a quieter place or other solution. If you can’t change things, distracting them or redirecting their attention sometimes helps.

• Be aware of your body language and facial expressions. Check that your jaw is not clenched, your brow is not furrowed, or your lips pursed. Avoid crossing your arms or putting your hands on your hips and try to minimize any hand movements. This will help you seem calm and non-threatening.

• Remember if your child’s behaviour has already escalated, you won’t be able to reason with them. Avoid asking questions, offering solutions, or corrections until they are calm. We’ve got advice for what to do when your child keeps getting angry.