Connecting with my teenager

Parenting a teenager can feel a lot like parenting a toddler in some ways. The teenage years are another time of rapid growth and development. This developmental stage is also all about moving towards more independence.

The teenager still needs a connection with their parent or carer. Children need to feel they have a secure base to return to as they transition into the exciting but scary world outside the family.

Even if your teen pushes you away and doesn’t want to admit it - you still play a significant role. You are a mirror through which your child sees themselves. Don’t underestimate the impact your interactions have on them.

Young people often face pressures and dilemmas we couldn't have imagined. When we are able to maintain a positive connection with our teens, we are more likely to be able to influence and support them as they shape their identity.

You can’t parent your teen the way you did when they were little, it just isn’t appropriate or effective. Adjustments need to be made to allow age-appropriate independence. Each young person is unique and will require a different approach.

Lots of different elements of what you need to do can be personally challenging.

Making space for teens to take risks

Risk taking peaks in adolescence. This is normal. Attempting to shut down this part of development is likely to be ineffective, and can be damaging to the relationship with your teenager. But if you can support your teen appropriately, you can help them take those risks in a safer manner. Its not easy, and can sometimes feel like you have to go against your protective instincts.

Peers influence

Many parents feel they have been ‘fired’ from the job and this can be hugely painful and unsettling! Your teen might start to care more about what others are thinking of them, especially their peers. Teens are often most concerned about fitting in and being included in popular social circles. This can mean that parents are not seen as cool enough to listen to.

Anxiety

Anxiety can be a common experience for teenagers. At times your teen could become anxious, avoidant or fearful about something for a short time. They might overcome this without any help from you or anyone else.
However, some teens might experience more frequent feelings of anxiety. This may cause them to avoid doing things. It’s often difficult for teenagers to know how to talk about these feelings if they occur. Sometimes they may express these feelings in different ways. For example, they may appear to be angry, withdrawn or even irritable.

Teens often don’t know how to handle their overwhelming feelings. They often act out towards the people they feel safest with: you. It can be incredibly hard not to take their words personally and feel hurt! It's really tough - respecting someone who doesn’t always offer this back.

Remembering that there is likely to be fear or anxiety behind the aggression can help.

The need to separate from the family and find their identity

It is normal for teens to begin to separate from their family. It is a way of establishing their own independence. This will allow them to develop their own ideas about themselves. This does not mean that your teen will no longer need you – even if they say otherwise. They still need some structure and you to provide it.

• Revisit your memories of being a teenager. This will help you keep your empathy and sense of humour - both very much needed!

• Find ways to connect every day. Listen more than you talk.

• If face-to-face communication feels too confrontational, try side by side. For example in the car, walking, doing things together.

• If your child is into gaming, use this to connect. Check our topic on gaming

• Young people can be at their most creative and innovative between ages 15 – 25. You can connect by joining them, where possible, in their creative pursuits.

• Try not to take rejection personally, though it’s easier said than done!

• Include them in family activities and days out. A grunt might mean ‘yes please that would be delightful’

• Allow appropriate independence. Don’t invite rebellion by not acknowledging that your child is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to ask where they are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be doing.

• If possible, get to know your child’s friends so you’re familiar with their world outside home.

● Think about boundaries, and what is and isn’t negotiable. Include your child in making decisions whenever possible. Regular family meetings can be a great way for family to keep connected. Providing incentives such as post meeting treat might encourage your teen to join in!

● Remember you're a parent, not a friend. Our teens want us to understand them, but sometimes they’ll be looking to us to set limits they can’t set for themselves.