We all have days when we feel like we're a bad parent. We try to listen, but don't understand our children. Try our tips for being a better listener.

Guide to a listening conversation - try this when you are struggling to work out what your child needs.
Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to your child.
<ul>
<li>Find a way to talk with them that makes them feel comfortable - you could try any of these:</li>
<li>Getting on to the same level as your child and showing them with your whole body you are ready and available to listen. Turn towards them or make eye contact.</li>
<li>Being side by side with them, walking or sitting in a car (when someone else is driving)</li>
<li>At lights out, sitting on the edge of their bed.</li>
<li>Focus on the facts of WHAT they are telling you and on how they are FEELING about it.</li>
<li>Repeat that back to them in your own words. Check with them - did you get the feeling right? And the cause of the feeling?
-If you do ask questions try to make them open questions that will encourage them to share more.</li>
<li>Try not to tell them to cheer up or to provide solutions - instead just show them that it is ok to feel what they are feeling.</li>
<li>Summarise the conversation to let you child know you have fully heard them. Use phrases like “it sounds like you are...” or “It seems like you feel...”</li>
</ul>
Other things to try
<ul>
<li>Set up rituals, times where it is easy to talk.</li>
<li>Remember that it’s ok to not always have answers (you might need to practise this for yourself, so you can listen without your own stress taking over). Being listened to and feeling heard and understood can be enough for children to work out their own solution to a problem.</li>
<li>Follow up on the conversation with action - show that you are taking your child’s feelings seriously. For example: 'I have been thinking about what you said the other day about X and 		wondered if we might do Y?'</li>
</ul>

Activities to try 

You probably feel that you do nothing but listen to your child - and just want to know how to help them - most of us do at one time or another!
All behaviour is communication - but it isn’t always clear what it is telling us. And listening in the right way is not so simple. Not many of us had parents who listened well to us when we were children - so we don’t have a model for what to do.
Plus, there’s a lot of things that happen when you start to listen that make it harder.
<ul>
<li>It’s hard to face your child when they are angry at you.</li>
<li>If they have strong feelings - shame, anger, jealousy or guilt - it can be hard to know how to help them.</li>
<li>If you are truly listening to your child, you’ll start to pick up their feelings. That’s great for connecting to them - but it can make you start to feel out of control.</li>
</ul>

Why it can be difficult

Remember when you used to listen to every sound your baby made and everything they did? You used to puzzle over exactly what they wanted? This type of listening helps them learn that they are safe and you will meet their needs.
When you listen to your older child with that same attention you can give them strong self-esteem and prepare them for the world. You can give them the sense that “I really matter”.
Most of us find it harder to do the older a child gets. But it’s really important. When you listen carefully, it helps you name their feelings and show you understand them. That can help them understand their own emotions. And that can help stop their behaviour getting louder and bigger.
Plus, when you show them great listening, they learn to listen to other people!

Why it matters

Building listening skills for parents

Lots of children wet themselves. Wetting the bed is even more common. Read Parenting Smart's tips to manage the situation and know when to seek help.

Don’t blame, punish or tease your child
Remember that lots of children wet themselves and wetting the bed is even more common. Learning to use the toilet usually takes until your child is four years old. Bedwetting can carry on after this.
Punishing or teasing children for wetting is not going to help wetting stop.
Remember it’s nothing to feel ashamed about – for you or your child. Some children take longer than others to stop – that's totally normal.

There’s actually quite a complicated bodily process for your child’s brain to know that they need a wee and for them to manage to get to the toilet.
It can get interrupted for many different reasons:
<ul>
<li>They’re really involved in what they’re doing so they don’t notice they need to go to the toilet.</li>
<li>They can’t get to the toilet when they need to. Maybe their school expects them to wait til playtime – or there isn’t a toilet nearby.</li>
<li>They just forget to go until it is too late.</li>
<li>They don’t feel the need to go - or they don’t recognise the sensation.</li>
<li>They don’t notice that they have wet themselves.</li>
<li>They have got into a habit of wetting themselves, creating a hard to break pattern.</li>
<li>They’re anxious or upset.</li>
<li>At night, they don’t wake up</li>
</ul>
There are also some medical issues that can make it harder.
<ul>
<li>Constipation or urinary tract infections.</li>
<li>A weak bladder or pelvic floor muscles can make it hard to hold wee until you are sat on the toilet. If your child often wees when they jump or laugh – they might have this issue.</li>
<li>An overactive or twitchy bladder - this will make their brain think they need a wee before they really do.</li>
</ul>

Find out why it is so common for children to wet themselves	 

Know when to take your child to see a doctor
If your child takes a little bit longer than others to stay dry – don't worry – it won’t usually need a doctor’s visit.
Your child needs to see a doctor if:
<ul>
<li>They have pain when they wee or their wee stains or smells bad.</li>
</ul>
You might decide to take them if:
<ul>
<li>They're older than 5 years old and you want help to find out if there is a reason they aren’t dry yet.</li>
</ul>

Help your child learn what their body is telling them
The best way to do this is to talk about it, in the right way.
Talk to your child simply and directly about how all bodies need to do wees regularly. Explain that they’ll have to learn to recognise when their body is ready.
Support them. Let them know there’s no need to feel shame if they wet themselves or the bed.
Reassure them “Don’t worry about it, you’ll get the hang of this soon” and “Lots of children have accidents”
The longer accidents happen for your child, the more effort you’ll need to put in to make sure it doesn’t affect their self-esteem.

It’s easy to end up constantly asking your child if they need a wee – stop yourself doing this if you can! Instead, tell them to go at regular points during the day even if they don’t feel they need to. And tell them to go just before you go out.
Try hard not to ask your child to hold their wee and wait. This can be a big source of stress, and shame if they can’t manage it.

Learn about tactics that can make things worse 

Practical tactics to reduce bedwetting and make it easier to deal with
Having some simple plans in place can make coping with the rest of your day easier if your child is wetting the bed often.
<ul>
<li>Try to get them to drink plenty of liquid earlier in the day, and don’t have bedtime drinks</li>
<li>For younger children, see if they like wearing night-time nappy pants</li>
<li>For older children, put a plastic sheet on the bed and keep clean sheets and spare night-clothes ready to change</li>
</ul>
If your child is distressed or embarrassed, comfort them and deal with the issue practically and without fuss. Use straightforward language such as ‘Don’t worry...Let’s get you clean and dry again’

Set up support for you and your child
It’s really easy to slip into shame or frustration since dealing with accidents can take up so much time - so try to have some support set up in advance
<ul>
<li>Get support from your child’s teacher – send a change of clothes along and ask them in advance to be understanding.</li>
<li>Be kind to yourself. It can be exhausting to look after children that wet themselves, especially if you need to get up to help them at night.</li>
<li>Talk to other parents. You might be surprised to find out how many parents are in the same boat - it can really help lift feelings of shame and pressure!</li>
</ul>
For more things to try, look at the Children’s Bowel and Bladder Charity’s advice on <a href="https://www.eric.org.uk/Pages/Category/bedwetting">bedwetting</a> and <a href="https://www.eric.org.uk/Pages/Category/daytime-wetting">daytime wetting</a>.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child still wets themself  

Making time for yourself is hard. But great parents need to create healthy habits. Place2Be's mental health experts have tips for fitting self-care into daily life.

If you want to try and build up more ways to look after yourself, see if you can pick one or two things from these lists.
Healthy habits
<ul>
<li>Do you eat healthy snacks and a proper meal? Try not to eat only the children’s leftovers!</li>
<li>How easily do you sleep? If you’re not getting enough sleep then see if you can change your routine before bed. Can you have a bath or a shower? Do you turn off your mobile?</li>
<li>Are you getting enough time outdoors? It can be a big boost to mental and physical health.</li>
</ul>
Doing things just for you
<ul>
<li>Grab chances to do something you enjoy – whether it’s your favourite food or a short phone call with a friend.</li>
<li>Take opportunities to talk to people close to you about how you feel. Rant, grumble, cry – whatever you need. Choose family members or friends that make you feel valued and understood.</li>
<li>Try to notice the good things around you and try to hold on to a sense of humour. Having a laugh at the crazy times in parenting is sometimes the only way to keep things in perspective!</li>
</ul>
Set pressure aside
<ul>
<li>Hang out with people that encourage you. Try not to listen to the things that people say that make you feel bad or judged as a parent. Don’t let it be a competition!</li>
<li>List the things that went well today (there will be something!) rather than the things that went badly</li>
<li>Learn to say ‘no’ and don’t feel guilty. Everyone has limits. It’s not helpful to anyone to overload yourself.</li>
<li>It’s ok to say ‘yes’ when people offer to help you and allow yourself to be cared for sometimes -, you can return the favour when they need it.</li>
</ul>
If you notice that your mood is very low and you’re really struggling, reach out for help and talk to your GP.

Things to try

Of course, it can be almost impossible to find enough time. Some days we’re all just grateful if we manage to drink our tea before it goes cold.
It’s also pretty easy to think of some of the things we need to do as self-indulgent or completely out of reach.
But if we think of healthy habits and self-care as things that we can do when we are with our children as well as when we’re on our own – it gets easier to squeeze in a few useful tricks.

Why it can be difficult 

We all want to give our children the best we can. We’ve all had moments when looking after our children is the most rewarding thing in the world. But we’ve all been completely drained too. It can be so demanding.
Self-care is about finding ways to look after yourself. When you look after yourself you are looking after your children too.
Here are some of the benefits:
<ul>
<li>It’s essential to good mental health.</li>
<li>When you look after your own emotions, you’ll be more likely to help your child manage theirs.</li>
<li>It’ll help you make sure you’ve got enough in your ‘tank’ to give to your child when they need it.</li>
<li>You’ll be a role model, and your children will learn from you how to look after themselves.</li>
</ul>

Healthy habits for parenting 

What do you do when your child says "no" all the time?  Parenting Smart's tips help you understand what's going on and give you things to try. 

Step back - try and work out what is making your child say no.
For a toddler, saying “no” is a common development stage. Older children could be refusing to do what you want for different reasons.

Can you spot when you’ve got into a battle you didn’t want to have? It happens to us all.
As soon as you notice, try naming what’s happening.
You could say: “Ok, this isn’t going to work, we are in a battle now” or “Look what's happening! We are both getting cross!”
Then suggest a time out: “Let’s take a minute to cool down”.

When your child is angry (quietly or noisily) then you will often feel it too. It’s a positive thing. It means you are really listening to them. The problem is that you then start to feel angry and out of control. That’s why we all need tricks to help us spot when it is happening and help us to feel in control again.

Why we get stuck in battles 

A few small changes to the way you do things could help you and your child feel more in control. See which of these works for you.
<ul>
<li>Find ways for your child to make choices on a day-to-day basis.</li>
<li>Make sure you are clear about what the rules are and then stick to them.</li>
<li>Work together to create routines and rituals around things that you need to do.</li>
<li>Be really upfront about how long sharing turns, tv time or other activities can last. Try an egg timer!</li>
</ul>

Trying to control what happens to us is part of growing up. Think about tiny babies - they get their carers to come closer by crying or making noises. As children get older these efforts to control what happens carry on. It’s partly a survival instinct. It’s also the beginning of being independent. That’s a good thing. We all need to experience a degree of age-appropriate control over our lives. But you are best placed to work out what’s behind your child’s behaviour.
That’s why thinking about control is key to avoiding frustrating battles.

Understanding the struggle for control 

When your child refuses to share, jump in with a question to help them build empathy.
Try asking - “I wonder how your friend is feeling now that he hasn’t had a go on the trampoline”

All these fixes take patience! But they all get easier the more you can also give your child positive attention.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child just says no to everything 

It’s normal for children to argue with their parents. These arguments can turn bad when strong emotions take over. Find out how to respond with Parenting Smart. 

Work on noticing when an argument is getting out of hand
As soon as you notice – pause – take a deep breath and try not to turn immediately to blaming yourself or your child. We all do it, but it makes it even harder for us to turn things around.

Sometimes arguments can be passionate but constructive. These arguments help families come up with good decisions. But arguments can turn bad when strong emotions take over.
We need to be able to manage our own emotions first. Then we can stay calm when our children’s emotions are out of control. That’s easier said than done because:
<ul>
<li>It takes practice, and it’s not an easy thing to practice.</li>
<li>Arguing with our children can bring up difficult memories for us of other conflicts. These can be with parents, partners or other authority figures.</li>
</ul>
Just remember, it doesn’t make you a bad parent, even though it feels horrible.

Why we get caught up in arguments

Try to show you understand how your child is feeling
You can stop and do this even when the argument has already got angry. Say something like “It sounds like you’re really annoyed right now…”
See how they respond and try and think about the emotions that might be making the conflict worse. Is your child worried, or disappointed about something? What is this really about? You know them best.

It’s normal for children to argue and test limits with their parents. When those arguments stay calm and thoughtful inside, they can be healthy. That’s ok even if everyone’s loud and passionate on the outside.
A child might start to argue angrily to get a sense of control. Or to manage their disappointment over something. But as their emotions get stronger it becomes harder for them to see different points of view.
That’s when you need to be able to help your children manage their strong emotions. You need to help them learn to disagree without it leading to unproductive conflict.

Different reasons for arguments

Find a way to end an argument that helps you show your child that it’s ok to have been wrong
You can model great behaviour for them to learn. Try one of these:
<ul>
<li>Show them how to manage strong emotions. If it’s safe to do so, walk away and take some time to think and calm down. Be clear and open. Say something like “I’m going to take a moment to calm down and think”.</li>
<li>If you think you overreacted, it’s good to apologise. “I am sorry, I got frustrated and shouted”...</li>
</ul>
When the initial tension has faded, you need follow-up tactics
<ul>
<li>You could suggest starting over again. “Let’s review and start the afternoon again”.</li>
<li>Or you could introduce the idea of following an apology with making amends. Try saying “what can I do to make things better”.</li>
</ul>

Make sure arguments don’t become the main thing you both remember
Once the moment has passed, remember to focus on the positives.
<ul>
<li>Show and tell your child that you love them NO MATTER WHAT, even when you might not like their behaviour.</li>
<li>Plan enjoyable things to do with your child to remind you both you can still have fun together.</li>
</ul>

Try using some advance planning strategies to make angry arguments less likely
<ul>
<li>Pick your battles - can you offer choices and find a compromise? Are there some minor misbehaviour you can safely ignore? Focusing on praising positive behaviour can help reduce conflict.</li>
<li>Have clear boundaries or house rules. These can be a huge help when daily conflict threatens to come up about the same things over and over again.</li>
</ul>
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child and I keep getting into arguments 

What do you do when someone says your child has bullied someone? Parenting Smart have tips on how to cope with how you feel and advice on how to talk to your child. 

Take a moment to process the shock you could be feeling
We all know how dreadful bullying can be, so of course it’s a shock to be told that your child is bullying other children. Even though it’s really hard, you need to try not to deny it. As you work on managing how you feel, try and listen carefully to what the teacher or other parent is telling you.
You could say “I am so sorry. Let me speak to X and try and get to the bottom of what is going on. Can we get together again tomorrow and work out how to stop this happening again”.

You will probably have a lot of emotions to deal with. You could find yourself angry with the person who has told you or the child that has been bullied. You could be angry with your child. And you could be angry, embarrassed or ashamed.
All of these are natural reactions. Reach out to someone you trust for support.

It’s ok not to be ok

Get ready to talk to your child
You’re going to need to be very clear about what bullying looks like, so you can explain it to them. You’ll need to help them understand how the bullied child will be feeling. And you’ll need to be ready to help them change their behaviour.

It’s easy for us to think of the most physical examples of bullying. We imagine hitting and kicking, of gangs gathering round and threatening people and taking away money or possessions. But bullying is also any unkind teasing. It’s name calling. It’s leaving the same person out all the time. And it is standing by and saying nothing while other children do those things.
Children often bully others to feel more powerful. It might mean that they themselves are feeling powerless.
There’s a couple of sayings to describe bullying: “I am feeling small and the only way I can feel bigger is to make you feel small” or “some hurt people, hurt people”.
Other children become part of bullying because they don’t know how to speak out against it. For others being really mean is just a one-off experiment and when they realise for themselves what they’ve done they never do it again.
You can get ready to help with all these things.

Understanding bullying

Talk and listen as much as you can
Sit down with your child and listen carefully to their side of the story. Try questions like “what is going on with you and Y?”
Help your child realise how what they have done will have upset the person being bullied. Ask them “what do you think it was like for Y when you did that?”
Encourage your child to open up to you about any problems they might have. Try saying “sometimes people bully others because they’re unhappy themselves, or some people do it because they want to look strong or cool in front of their friends”
Don’t worry if these are difficult conversations. Your child probably not going to willingly admit they were wrong to start off with. That’s natural, take it gently.

Help your child get ready to make amends
This is a chance to build on your conversations so far. Talk to them about the power of kindness and the strength in being a good friend.
“I think maybe you don’t know how powerful you are. You can use that power in a good way you know?”
Be firm – you expect them to make amends. But be supportive as well - they’re learning to be a better person.
You could get support from the school for this.

Ask the school for help in arranging conversations. If they have an anti-bullying policy, read it. Ask them to set up a conversation with all the children and parents involved.
The school can help create an opportunity for all the children involved to say how they are feeling, and what has been happening for them. Then they can set out a plan that helps to make sure things change.

Getting support from the school

Don’t forget to reassure your child
Bullying is wrong, but just because they bullied someone, that doesn’t make them a bad person. Remind them that all of us have the power to hurt people, and we all need help to learn the power to make things better.
For more information, <a href="https://www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-parents/sources-information-advice-and-support">the Anti-Bullying Alliance has lots of specialist advice for parents and a list of sources of support.</a>
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child might have bullied someone 

Separation and divorce can be hard on children. But it's often better for them than an unhappy marriage. Read Parenting Smart advice on how to help your children cope. 

Make sure you never put your child in the middle
Don’t argue and fight with your ex in front of them. Don’t ask them to pass on messages or choose between the adults. It’s not easy to keep to that at such an emotional time. Most of us going through separation have trouble thinking straight. Make it easier by planning some tactics to help in advance.
<a href="/article/co-parenting-after-a-separation-or-divorce/">Read about the ins and outs of co-parenting.</a>

Unless it is unsafe, make it easy for your child to stay connected to your ex
Your child will often find it hard to work out whether they should talk to you about your ex. Make space for them to be able to talk about how they love them. Don’t shut them down. If it is safe, make it easy for them to contact your ex.
It can be very hard on you. But it can also make a huge difference to your child feeling secure and supported.

If you can help your child stay in touch with your ex.
<ul>
<li>It’ll be easier for your child to trust that both of you still love them – you just stopped loving each other.</li>
<li>It’ll make them less likely to blame either of you.</li>
<li>It should reduce the feeling some children end up with of “having to be a different person with each parent”.</li>
</ul>

Find out more about the difference staying in contact makes

Find time and space to listen to them
Your child might be scared to show you how they feel. It’s your job to reassure them and encourage them to speak up.
Say things like “It’s ok to cry” and “It’s not your fault”
Encourage them to ask questions. Respond as simply as they can. Focus on the parts that are most important to them – how their life will change, where they will live.
Try and have simple answers for when they ask why your relationship has broken down – they don’t need the details.
Ask “What is it like for you?”

Once you persuade your child to open up you want to reassure them that whatever they are feeling is understandable, normal and ok. You might need to:
<ul>
<li>Remind them it’s not their fault</li>
<li>Explain that nothing they can do will change things – they don’t need to “be better”</li>
<li>Reassure them that you will never stop loving them even though you stopped loving your ex</li>
<li>Make space for them to experience sadness</li>
<li>Calm their worries about the future and what life will look like.</li>
</ul>

Preparing for the feelings that you might need to help with

Make sure you support your child when they need you the most
Everyone affected by the separation will be experiencing loss and grief. Try and give your child extra attention so that they know you care about them.
You also need to watch out for warning signs that they might need a little bit more help in coping with the situation. Every child deals with separation in their own way.

Any of these could be a sign that you need to try and help your child open up more about how your separation is affecting them:
<ul>
<li>Disbelief</li>
<li>Ignoring the situation</li>
<li>Trying to be braver than they are</li>
<li>Cutting off from their thoughts and feelings</li>
<li>A lack of concentration which can affect their schoolwork</li>
<li>Being easily upset</li>
<li>Having difficulty sleeping</li>
<li>Being argumentative and grumpy</li>
<li>Feeling frightened or panicky</li>
<li>Having accidents</li>
<li>Engaging in risky behaviour like substance misuse or underage sex.</li>
</ul>

Reactions your child might have 

Get support from other adults
Everything about separation can be difficult and emotional. Make sure you are getting the support you need from other adults.
Lean on friends. Ask them to help you look after yourself and talk things through with them.
It’s ok to not be ok – rely on others, so you can support your child better.
If you need to, look for counselling or therapy services that can help you or your child.
<a href="https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/">Try contacting the Family Lives Confidential Helpline.</a>

I’m going through a break up and want to support my child

5 tips for what to do when your child won't eat. Understand children's appetite, their worries and needs. Parenting Smart's steps make mealtimes less stressful.

Stay as calm as you can, no matter how stressed you are feeling
Let’s face it – mealtimes can be challenging! Lots of us get to the point where we dread how they’re going to go. It's really hard to stay calm.

It’s completely natural to worry about your children’s health. But remember, it is very common for children to have picky phases. Try to think about what they eat in a whole week.
We often treat our children as our parents treated us growing up – it's really common. It can be helpful to think about your experience of food and mealtimes as a child. Was it stressful? Do you want to follow the same rules? Or set new ones?

Read about some things to help you stop feeling stressed

Talk about hunger at mealtimes – not punishment or rewards
At some time or other most of us have resorted to punishment or rewards around eating - after all they seem to work some of the time!
Try to make a rule for yourself not to coax, threaten, bribe or lecture anymore. Let your child work out for themselves what they need.
You could say “Ok, it looks like you don’t want to eat any more right now. You’ll be hungry later so you can eat something then.”
Or you could ask them “are you hungry?” or “do you feel full?”

Children need to understand their own hunger. If you focus on punishment or rewards, they don’t learn to understand their own experience of eating. Also, when you focus on punishment or rewards, you can miss underlying reasons that children don’t want to eat. It doesn’t help you spot what else is going on.

Understanding why punishment and rewards don’t help in the long-term 

Create ways to help them feel in control of their food
The best way to create positive mealtimes is to help your children feel in control of their food. Some of the ways to do this can seem tough to fit into a busy day. But if you can follow just one or two of the tips from this list you can make progress.
<ul>
<li>Give them choices. Ask “shall we have broccoli or tomatoes or peas with the pasta at lunchtime” for example.</li>
<li>Set up a pattern of mealtimes together, so your child gets used to a routine.</li>
<li>Teach your child to enjoy healthy foods by cooking and eating healthily for yourself too – show them what enjoying tasty meals looks like.</li>
<li>Get your children involved with planning and preparing meals. Let them help making things and tasting ingredients.</li>
<li>Turn off the TV and eat together. Try and include everyone in conversation – even the youngest children. It will help them want to eat like everyone else and create more relaxing mealtimes.</li>
</ul>

Stop and think about things that can affect hunger and mood
It’s easy to get into a pattern of being miserable about how mealtimes go or blaming yourself or even your child. Instead of blame, try and think about different things that might be going on. If you can understand why meals have become difficult, it will help you make them go more smoothly.

<ul>
<li>Is your child sensitive to food flavours and textures? This can happen with entire food groups like vegetables or fruit.</li>
<li>Are they getting enough exercise? Your child will be hungrier if they get some physical activity every day. That can help with their worries and anxieties too!</li>
<li>It might be that mealtimes have just got too tense? That’ll make eating more difficult.</li>
<li>Is there something else going on in your child’s life that is making them worried or anxious? It could be a major change or something quite small. Take your time to listen to them and work out what might be going on.</li>
</ul>

Some common reasons children don’t want to eat 

When you have to, just clear the plate away
Remind yourself there’s no reason to be angry with your child, and no reason for you to be ashamed. Remember that for most children, tastes and habits around food change quite quickly.
If you do become worried that your child is not getting the right nutrition because of their eating habits, then talk to your child’s GP.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

Family mealtimes are turning into a battleground

Reading with your child often helps them and you. You only need to find a few minutes at a time. Try Parenting Smart tips to make reading together fun.

Take opportunities where you can find them - try setting aside time to read every day - before bedtime, or before breakfast.
You can also read with your child whenever they ask. Talking with your child about pictures in books, magazines, and on digital screens is a good way to start.
Before your child can read
<ul>
<li>Use picture books – and spend time discussing the pictures as well as reading the stories.</li>
<li>Follow your child’s interest – let them pick the story. Even if it’s the same one over and over again!</li>
</ul>
When your child is learning to read
<ul>
<li>Not all children learn to read at the same age or pace. Go at the speed that suits your child. Try not to compare them with your friend’s children or their classmates.</li>
<li>Make it an invitation to read – not a chore. “Hey, do you want to read this page now?”</li>
<li>Fit how much you read in one sitting to how tired they are – and let them decide when to stop.</li>
<li>Praise them for effort ‘Well done! That was a tricky word/sentence, but you kept going!’</li>
<li>Take turns. You can help out with what they are learning or you can read books they can’t manage themselves yet.</li>
<li>Explore reading for your own enjoyment. If you show pleasure in reading in some of the moments you get to relax, you’ll be setting a great example.</li>
</ul>

Things to try 

It’s one of those things that feels like it might take up a lot of time – many of us worry “how am I going to fit it in” - and then feel guilty when we don’t manage it! It’s important to remember just 10 minutes a day can make a huge difference – and skipping the odd day isn’t the end of the world either.
Some parents might also worry if they can read well enough, or if they are sharing the right books – but there is no right or wrong way to read together. It can even be a good thing for you to learn together.
When your child starts learning to read – they can be really frustrated at not being able to do it. It can take a bit of persistence and patience to make sure it doesn’t turn into a battle.

Things that can get in the way of reading together 

A child that loves reading often finds school easier, learns better and gets more opportunities. Reading with your child from an early age helps them learn to love reading.
Reading with them will:
<ul>
<li>Help them develop good reading habits</li>
<li>Make it easier for them to read on their own later</li>
<li>Develop their interest in stories and the joy that understanding words and pictures can bring.</li>
</ul>
It’s also a great shared experience for you both:
<ul>
<li>Together you can look at picture books – which can start a conversation about fears and worries or help your child share their feelings. Great for emotional literacy and social skills!</li>
<li>The sense of connection and having fun together can really strengthen the bonds between you</li>
<li>You get a chance to talk about values, choices and cultural identity together</li>
<li>It promotes good mental health – for you both!</li>
</ul>

Why reading with your child matters 

Reading with your child 

What do you do when your child won't stay in bed. Explore reasons why children don't sleep. Try Parenting Smart's step-by-step routine to make bedtime easier.

Present a calm and confident approach to bedtime
It’s really common for bedtime to be a challenge – and calm is probably the last thing any of us feel!
But you do need to find a way to seem calm and confident, even if you’re stressed underneath. That way, your child is more likely to be calm.
One way to reduce your stress levels is to remember that lots of children find sleep difficult, and that’s very natural.

In many cultures we expect very young children to learn to sleep by themselves. Not all cultures do this, and it doesn’t come easily for many children. They find it difficult to go to bed. They also have to learn how to cope when they wake up at night.
Whilst they’re learning, everyone ends up exhausted. And then of course, it’s hard not to let our stress show through. Our children pick up on it and it gets even harder for them to sleep.

Learn about why sleep is not simple

Check you’ve taken all the practical steps you can
When your child is having trouble sleeping you need to pay extra attention to a few things.
Make sure they:
<ul>
<li>get fresh air and exercise in the daytime</li>
<li>get to spend a little time with you after school each day that is not eating or doing homework. They need a chance to reconnect with you and feel that you are focused on them</li>
<li>are tired enough at their bedtime (you might have to adjust the time they go to bed as they grow)</li>
<li>have a night light on or a door left open if they are scared of the dark or anxious about being alone.</li>
</ul>
Make sure they don't:
<ul>
<li>eat sugary foods and drinks or drinks with caffeine in.</li>
<li>use laptops, tablets and phones close to bedtime.</li>
<li>watch scary books, films and TV before bedtime.</li>
</ul>

Think about emotional reasons that could be making it harder for your child to sleep.
Children take different amounts of time to learn to go to sleep on their own. For many this is just a natural process. But sometimes there are other things going on, that makes it even harder for them.
Take a bit of time to think about it – you know your child best!

<ul>
<li>
Have they had nightmares or night terrors?
</li>
<li>
Are they resisting going to bed because they don’t feel tired?
</li>
<li>
Are they irritable, aggressive or overactive because they’re very tired – that classic “overtiredness”? Is that making it hard for them to settle?
</li>
<li>
Are they worried that they might wet the bed? <a href="/article/my-child-still-wets-themself/">Find out more about bedwetting in our article on the topic.</a>
</li>
</ul>

Check some of the common reasons children find it hard to sleep

Set up a bedtime routine
It doesn’t matter what bedtime routine you choose - you can include bath-time, a story, a song, hair-brushing, teeth-cleaning– any little soothing rituals that work for you.
Make sure the routine is:
<ul>
<li>The same every night</li>
<li>At the same time every night – try and choose a time that fits with when your child is naturally sleepy.</li>
</ul>
When your child doesn’t fall asleep easily, and is distressed when you leave them repeat the following steps.
<ul>
<li>Kiss them goodnight and promise to come back. Come back almost immediately and give them another kiss goodnight. Repeat this all the time they stay in bed and with longer gaps as they settle more easily.</li>
<li>Whenever your child gets up, try to avoid engaging in conversation and simply take them back to bed. You may need to do this several nights before they learn not to get up.</li>
</ul>
If you’ve tried anything like this, you’ll know it can be really emotional for the caregiver and hard to get through. But stick with it! Calm persistence really does pay off.

<ul>
<li>If bedtime is quite late, and you are worried your child isn’t getting enough sleep, start to bring it forward by 10 minutes each week.</li>
<li>If they wake after a dream, reassure them that it was a dream and gently get them ready to sleep again.</li>
<li>Give your child their favourite comforter or soft toy when you say goodnight. This will help them feel safe.</li>
</ul>

Read extra tips for a good bedtime routines

Keep going!
Remember there is often no quick fix to bedtime difficulties so be kind to yourself.

We all need enough sleep to function well.
Children need different amounts of sleep at different ages but how much your child needs is individual to them. Primary school children tend to need between 9 and 12 hours – quite a big difference!
If your child doesn’t get enough sleep they might:
<ul>
<li>be tired and grumpy</li>
<li>find it harder to make friends</li>
<li>be more likely to get ill</li>
<li>get related physical and mental health problems.</li>
</ul>
Of course – these are all true for adults too!

Read about the difference good sleep can make 

Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child has trouble going to sleep 

It's important to set boundaries with children. It can help your child feel safe as they know what is expected of them. Read Parenting Smart's tips for more. 

<ul>
<li>Remember - be friendly, positive, and consistent. It takes a lot of strength and patience. This isn’t about punishing your child; it’s about helping them to learn.</li>
<li>Give clear and give positive instructions. For instance - ‘play with your new ball outside in the garden’ rather than ‘don’t kick the ball in the living room’.</li>
<li>Make the consequences fair and suitable for your child’s age. For example, if they’re young and they deliberately make a mess - ask them to help you clean it up. If they’re older you could give them a time by which you will expect them to have independently tied up.</li>
<li>Get your child involved in setting up a boundary and a consequence. For instance, ask them what consequence they think would be fair if homework wasn’t done, or they deliberately break something.</li>
<li>Use consequences that are short and reasonable and put them in place straight away. ‘If you put on your coat, then we can go to the park, otherwise we stay inside’. ‘If you don’t come off your computer now, you’ll lose computer time later’.</li>
<li>Check that you can live with the consequences you’ve set up. Avoid threats like ‘You won’t be allowed to watch TV for a year!’ That’s because you’d never be able to enforce that, and it’ll confuse your child and undermine your authority.</li>
<li>Once a consequence is done, everyone can start again.</li>
<li>Give your child a chance to try again and succeed as soon as you can. Remember to praise them when they do!</li>
<li>Don’t bring up the past – forgive and move on. This can be extremely hard!</li>
<li>Respect your child’s boundaries too. If they say they don’t like you calling them a nickname or tickling them, don’t.</li>
</ul>
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

<ul>
<li>They make children feel safe as they know what’s expected of them.</li>
<li>If tells children that adults are in charge and looking after them.</li>
<li>Boundaries and consequences teach children to make good choices.</li>
<li>Children can then create their own boundaries to say ‘no’ to situations that may hurt them.</li>
<li>Boundaries and consequences take the heat out of power struggles. You and your child know exactly what’s required and what will happen if rules are not followed.</li>
</ul>

Why boundaries and consequences matter  

<ul>
<li>Boundaries are like lines on a sports field. If you cross them the consequence is the game stops, or someone gets a penalty. Children can understand boundaries and consequences in the same way.</li>
<li>An example of this is saying ‘you’ll be cold if you don’t wear your coat.’ Or - ‘if you want to stay up ‘til 8.30pm at the weekend your light needs to be off by 7.30pm in the week.’</li>
<li>Sometimes we call boundaries ‘rules’. It’s completely natural for children to test boundaries to see how far they can stretch them.</li>
<li>Parents can help children become independent and responsible using boundaries and consequences.</li>
</ul>

About boundaries and consequences  

The importance of boundaries and consequences for children

Praise is a great way to encourage and motivate your child. Help your child gain self-confidence. Use Parenting Smart's tips to find different rewards to try.

There are lots of ways to build your skills in using praise and reward. Once you notice how your child responds to praise and encouragement, you’ll soon get to know what works for them. 
Rewards are often thought of as money, gifts or food but attention is the most powerful reward of all. Playing a favourite game, reading a story or helping with cooking can all be rewards. Praise can be a smile, a hug, a pat or touching an arm. It can be a cheer or a high-five. 
Try some of these ideas and see what works for you.
<ul>
<li>Notice and name the wanted behaviour or effort. Reward or praise it as soon as you see it. Try, “Well done for sharing with your sister” or, “Thank you for playing quietly when I was talking on the phone”.</li>
<li>Linking to effort rather than success or being the best at something is a good idea.</li>
<li>Try to link praise and rewards to small everyday things as well as bigger things. Value a kind word or action or everyday effort.  </li>
<li>Use praise to encourage people to keep trying, “Your Maths homework was super hard, but you kept going. Well done!”</li>
<li>Always follow through with promised rewards. Otherwise, your child won’t trust you when you offer a reward. And they might stop trying. </li>
<li>Let your child know you’re proud of their efforts and try not to suggest alternative ways of doing things too soon. Perhaps model new ways of trying things in a sensitive way to build on their confidence.  </li>
<li>Talk about how pleased and satisfied you feel when you’ve tried really hard.</li>
</ul>
Big changes won’t usually happen overnight. If you are trying to encourage a particular behaviour or skill, keep going until they get the hang of it.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

Activities to try  

Children seek any kind of attention. Sometimes unwanted behaviour is their way of getting your attention, even though it’s not positive!
The idea of using praise and reward to encourage positive behaviour sounds simple enough, but lots of things can make it tricky.
<ul>
<li>If there’s more than one adult in the family, it’s not always easy to agree on how to notice and encourage effort.</li>
<li>It can be hard to separate rewards and punishments. And it can be tempting to use praise and rewards to get your child to do something against their wishes.</li>
<li>Some children find it hard to accept praise. They may feel undeserving, or afraid that they won’t be able to achieve it again.   </li>
<li>Sometimes if we are stressed or depressed, it’s very hard to see things that are praiseworthy. It may be helpful to speak to your GP or the pastoral team at school to get some support.</li>
</ul>
Remember that children develop at different rates. You know your own child best and what is reasonable given their age and stage of development.

Why it can be difficult  

Children aren’t born naughty or well-behaved. They need to learn about the world around them and how to behave and respond. They do this by watching others. And by learning from the reactions that they get. Positive behaviour in children grows with praise and reward.
When children get attention for doing something, they are more likely to do it again. So it’s really important to pay attention to the things we want to see more of - and not just the behaviour we want to stop! For instance, you could say, “Great job putting away the toys the first time I asked”.
Praise and encouragement can support positive self-image and confidence, self-motivation and self-belief. All of those things make it more likely that children will go on to master new skills.
It also helps when children are trying and learning new things. Recognising their efforts helps them stick to a difficult task. When we have someone else cheering us on we want to keep trying.

Why it matters  

Using praise and reward with children

Is your child having a meltdown? Stay calm and try these 5 steps from Parenting Smart. 

Show your child you understand what they’re feeling
Meltdowns happen when things are just too much for your child. They are a good/noisy way to tell you that they are too upset to manage alone.
Show them that you understand. You can try using facial expressions and gestures as well as words.

Meltdowns are different from tantrums. Tantrums are about your child feeling frustrated and wanting more control over a situation. Meltdowns are about your child experiencing an emotional overload and not thinking straight. They will need your help to calm down.
It’s normal for children to get upset - and important that they can tell you when they are.

Click to read about meltdowns vs tantrums 

Let your child know that they are safe
Staying close to your child while they are experiencing a meltdown lets them know they are safe. 
<ul>
<li>Take them somewhere quiet if possible. If they allow you to, try holding them or rocking them. Allow them to cry.</li>
<li>If they are lashing out, stay close and reassure them. Try saying, “I am right here”, “You are safe” and, “This will pass”.</li>
<li>Acknowledge they’re upset, “You wish you could play with your cousins all day” or “You wish we could stay at the park longer”.</li>
<li>Your child may try to hit you and damage things around them. Remove anything that can cause injury to them. You could say, “I know you are upset but I love you and won’t allow you to hurt yourself”.</li>
</ul>

Be patient
It can feel really horrible in the moment, but your feelings will pass - along with the meltdown. Here are some ways to stay calm and think mid-meltdown:
<ul>
<li>Get yourself steady before you try to help your child.</li>
<li>Pause and take some deep breaths.</li>
<li>Think about any triggers that might have caused the meltdown. Can you remove or reduce them?</li>
</ul>

Meltdowns can trigger very strong feelings in parents too. Those strong feelings make it very hard to think straight or have a helpful conversation!  We can sometimes get overwhelmed ourselves and then we’re all in it together (and not in a good way).
Remember that it’s natural to feel upset when your child is upset. It shows that you are listening to, and sensitive to, their needs.

Why keeping calm is important 

Help your child to understand what has happened
 Make sure both you and your child are calm. Then you can try to help them understand what has happened.  Here’s are some things to try:
<ul>
<li>Go down to your child’s level and engage in eye contact. If your child struggles with eye contact, sit alongside them </li>
<li>Describe what happened: “You were having a great time with your friend and then I said it was time to tidy up the toys and say goodbye. You got really angry and started throwing toys.” </li>
<li>Show some empathy: “I know it’s hard to stop playing and say goodbye to friends after a playdate. Maybe you felt angry with me when I said it was tidy up time?” </li>
<li>Try some emotional coaching: “Toys are not for throwing. Next time, can find a way to you tell me with words that you are angry?”</li>
<li>Start to repair things: “I think we are both feeling a bit tired. How about we snuggle up and watch a film/read a book/have a drink and a biscuit?”</li>
</ul>

<ul>
<li>Make time to connect with your child throughout the day. If you notice your child getting upset or beginning to push boundaries you could say, “I think we all need a hug!” Or try creating an opportunity to connect, “Time for a drink and a snack!”.</li>
<li>Play! Even 10 minutes a day of special one-to-one time can make a big difference.</li>
<li>Meltdowns sometimes happen when we set limits. Showing we understand our child’s perspective will make our child more likely to accept the boundary. You could say, “I know it’s hard to go to bed. I bet you wish you could stay up all night playing, but it is bedtime now”.</li>
<li>Learn to regulate your own emotions. When we stay calm, we teach children to manage their emotions, which also helps them manage their behaviour.</li>
</ul>

Find strategies for avoiding meltdowns

My child has meltdowns  

5 steps to take if your child is being bullied. Suggestions and tips on what to do to support your child, from Place2be's mental health experts. 

Try not to get angry or upset or try to fix things 
Bullying can include things like hitting, threatening, unkind teasing and leaving someone out on purpose. Thinking about your child experiencing any of this can be really painful. But it’s important to put your feelings to one side.
Try to listen rather than react. Sit down with your child and let them know you are listening. You can do that by repeating back what they’ve told you.
Help them understand what bullying means. When a child falls out with their friends it can be painful and difficult, but it is different from bullying. And it’s important to make the distinction between rude and mean behaviour and bullying. Bullying behaviour is intended to hurt someone AND repeated.

Reassure your child that it’s not their fault.  
There is still a stigma around bullying. Children can feel like they’ve done something to deserve it. You can help them see that’s not true and that bullying should always be called out.
Try saying, “You are very brave for telling me. None of this is your fault. What you’ve been going through sounds horrible, all children deserve to feel safe at school”.

Bullying is often about power. But your child isn’t being bullied because they are weak, and it doesn’t make the bully strong.
Children often bully others so that they feel more powerful. “I am feeling small and the only way I can feel bigger is to make you feel small.”
You can talk this through with your child.

Understand more about bullying

Help your child to come up with ideas about how to make things better. 
If your child is being bullied their behaviour may change. For example, they may be quieter or angrier than usual. Or they might fall behind or not want to go to school.  
If we work with them to find a solution, we can help them to feel better. Like they are more in control of the situation.
Ask your child: "What would you like me to do to make this better/to help?" rather than just taking over. Including them in decisions will avoid more stress and worry for them.

Bullying includes one person or people having power over another. When we step in to rescue our child, we are taking even more power away from them. If we support them in finding a way forward it helps them feel more confident. And it teaches them problem-solving skills.

Read about rescue vs. support

Celebrate your child’s strengths and differences.
Help them see they are unique and fantastic just the way they are. Look for activities that will boost their confidence and self-esteem. This will help them keep the bullying in perspective. And it’s a chance to make new friends.

Make an appointment to talk to someone at school.
You can’t do this on your own. Make an appointment to talk to someone at school so you can think things through together. 
The Anti-Bullying Alliance has lots of <a href="https://www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-parents/sources-information-advice-and-support">specialist advice for parents and a list of sources of support</a>.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child is being bullied. What can I do?  

It's normal for children to feel anxious about saying goodbye. Read about why it is often hard for parents too. Then try our tips to help make things calmer. 

<ul>
<li>Think about what might be behind their fears, you know them best.</li>
<li>If they’re shy, try a gentle, step-by-step introduction to new things.</li>
<li>If something's unsettled them recently - give them lots of time and reassurance.</li>
<li>Give them some exclusive one to one time every day when you’re not on your phone or busy doing other things. A little time goes a long way towards helping your child feel safe.</li>
<li>Show them you understand their feelings, say: ‘It’s hard saying goodbye, isn’t it? But I will be back soon, and you can have fun while I am away’.</li>
<li>Introduce a goodbye routine or ritual, for example a high five or the same number of kisses.</li>
<li>Give your child something to remind them of you, like a picture of you and the family.</li>
<li>Calm yourself before a separation. You can then communicate with confidence to your child that they’ll be safe without you. If you’re anxious you can pass that on to your child.</li>
<li>Manage your own feelings privately. If separating from your child triggers your own issues, speak to a trusted friend, family member or a counsellor.</li>
<li>Remember, it’s often the moment of parting that’s hardest. And your child will calm down once you’ve gone.</li>
</ul>
Talk to your GP if your child’s fear of separation starts to get in the way of their everyday life.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

Some things to try that can help

<ul>
<li>You can feel anxious when leaving your child. You may worry about whether they will be ok – this is completely normal.</li>
<li>When your child is incredibly upset, you’re likely to get upset too.</li>
<li>You may also feel frustrated or embarrassed by their behaviour. Or find it hard to think straight - making it hard to ‘listen’ to what their behaviour is telling you.</li>
<li>And that can make your child more upset, so things get worse, instead of better.</li>
<li>It can feel suffocating when your child won’t leave you alone. Or if they want your attention all the time. Sometimes the more you need space the more your child seems to need you.</li>
<li>And, when you try to leave them at school, or with someone else, it's hard if they’re screaming and clinging to your knees.</li>
</ul>

How you might be feeling

<ul>
<li>New situations, people and places can be scary for many children.</li>
<li>When children are worried or frightened, they want to stay close to their caregivers.</li>
<li>It’s completely normal for younger children to feel anxious about separating.</li>
<li>It’s also good because it keeps them safe as they learn to manage new experiences.</li>
</ul>

Why does my child have separation difficulties?   

Help your child manage separations and goodbyes

Lying is a normal part of child development. Our job is to help our children learn that honesty is the bravest choice. Try these steps when your child is lying.

Step away and breathe before you respond.
Working out the reason for their lies is more important than telling them off about lying to you.

<ul>
<li>It’s protection against a telling off or feeling ashamed or embarrassed.</li>
<li>They want to feel special or fit in with their classmates.</li>
<li>To test you - what you know and what you don’t.</li>
<li>They’re protecting someone else’s feelings by telling a kind lie.</li>
<li>They want attention and to impress adults and other children.</li>
<li>It’s a quick fix for an immediate problem.</li>
<li>But if it’s persistent it can be a symptom of a bigger problem.</li>
</ul>

Reasons why children lie

If they’re lying to feel special or fit in, show that you understand their feelings.
Remind them that they’re great the way they are. You could say ‘I understand why you wanted me to think you got a special award at school/scored 100 goals at football practice. But, it makes no difference to me, I already know how amazing you are.’

<ul>
<li>When a child is about three years old, they realise people have their own thoughts.</li>
<li>This is an important and positive stage in their social development.</li>
<li>Lying can be a sign they’ve reached that stage.</li>
<li>If a child can lie, they can also work out how to make another person happy.</li>
<li>It’s a normal part of growing up to lie.</li>
</ul>

Lying is part of a child’s development 

If they’re lying to avoid getting into trouble, make it easy for them to own up. And give them lots of praise when they do it.
That way you’re sending a positive message that being honest is brave and good. Show them how to be brave and honest too by owning up and apologising when you get things wrong.

<ul>
<li>When your child lies to you it’s easy to get cross, to take it personally or feel manipulated</li>
<li>But remember most children, and adults, tell lies from time to time</li>
<li>And children need support to learn that being honest can be difficult, but better in the long run</li>
</ul>
Lying is a normal part of child development. Our job is to help our children understand that honesty is the bravest choice.

Remember, we’ve all been there, you’re not alone 

My child is lying, what does it mean, what should I do?  

Place2Be mental health experts explain how to talk to your child about death and grief. Practical steps for parents to take.

Don’t try to take the pain away or pretend it’s not there.
When children face the death of someone they care about, it’s natural for them to experience a rollercoaster of emotions. It can be tough to see your child in pain and it’s natural to want to stop that pain. But don’t try to take it away or pretend it’s not there. 
Instead, make yourself available to talk about the bereavement when your child is ready. And remember, children often grieve in different ways to adults so they’re likely to jump from one emotion to another. 
Don’t forget that children can have feelings of grief for other situations involving loss, such as moving home, coping with parents separating, or a pet dying.

Be as honest as you can when you answer their questions
Children ask questions to help them make sense of the world. When it comes to death, some of those questions might be difficult or upsetting. For example, you might not know how to respond to questions like, “what will happen to the body?”. But it’s ok not to know. Just be honest about it. 
We sometimes worry that talking to our children about someone’s death will make their grief worse. But it’s often when children are left to fill in the gaps that they become even more confused or scared.

Help them feel secure
Caregivers play an important role in helping children to cope in the healthiest way possible. Try some of the following things to help your child feel safe while they grieve.
<ul>
<li>Reassure them that it’s not their fault. And that it’s normal to have lots of different feelings when someone dies. </li>
<li>Look at age-appropriate stories to help children make sense of what they’re going through.</li>
<li>Be there for them. Whether that’s for a hug, to listen to their worries, or to do something fun together. </li>
<li>Think about drawing pictures, writing a story or letter, or making a memory box with special things in it. </li>
<li>Whenever possible, keep to your usual routines, like bedtime and school time.</li>
</ul>

Children of all ages do better when they know what to expect. Routine makes them feel safe. It also reassures them that you are still in control and keeping them safe.
Many children handle change best when it happens in the context of a familiar routine. That means routines are especially important at times when children are learning to manage bigger challenges.

Find out why reassurance and routine matter

Show them that it’s ok to be upset.
You may think you need to put on a brave face and hide your grief to protect your child. Or you may worry that your child may get upset if they see you cry. But your child will learn from you that it’s ok to be upset.

Reach out for support
Let your child's school know when someone important in their life has died. Teachers and other staff may be a good source of support. And remember to reach out for support for yourself when you need it.  
You can call the charity Child Bereavement's <a href="https://www.childbereavementuk.org/about-our-helpline">helpline for advice on supporting a child when someone dies</a>. UK charity Winston’s Wish also has a <a href="https://www.winstonswish.org/helpline/">helpline you can contact for support.</a>

Supporting your child when someone dies

How can you help your child when they have problems with friends? Some children find it hard to make friends.  It's normal to worry. Parenting Smart tips help you and your child.

Stop and listen before stepping in.
It’s completely understandable to want to protect your child. But try not to jump in too quickly to fix things for them.
When your child has an argument with a friend, it can be very hard not to take sides. And sometimes you might have such a hard time seeing your child in pain that you get angry at the other child. But this can make it difficult to really listen to your child’s experience and understand their feelings.  
It’s natural to have strong feelings about your child’s friendship issues. Maybe they make you think back to how you were treated by friends when you were a child. If you take a moment to notice how their worries are affecting you, it will help you manage your emotions. Then you can better support them as they find a solution.

Reassure them that it’s natural for friends to fall out sometimes.
Children’s friendships often change and can look different depending on your child’s age and stage of development. While having friends at school is important, it is perfectly ordinary for your child to have difficulties with their friendships. 
Let your child know that being friends doesn’t always mean agreeing or getting along with others all the time.

Help your child move past the anger and hurt
It’s important to help our children learn how to make up again. Listen to your child and show you understand how they’re feeling by helping them name their emotions. Once your child feels understood, they will be better able to move past the anger and the hurt. That’s when you can help them to start problem-solving. 
Encourage them to come up with their own ideas to deal with friendship issues.

All relationships involve conflict and it’s important that children to learn how to deal with it. Being able to form positive peer relationships is key to their emotional wellbeing.
You can help. Support them as they learn to express their needs without attacking the other person. Encourage them to say, “I don’t like it when you leave me out of the game” instead of, “You’re mean!”
Top tip: They may also need to role play how to stand up for themselves.

Why learning to resolve conflict is important

Help them grow confidence in their friendship skills
Friendship difficulties can happen for different reasons. Your child might be shy or like to take control or lack confidence with friends. You can help. Talk to them about what makes a good friend, and practice friendship skills such as listening, sharing, compromising, and negotiating.  
  
Sit together and explore examples in everyday life, and from TV and books. This will help your child think about what makes a good friend and feel less worried about friendship issues. 
You can also encourage friendships beyond school, like joining clubs or arranging play dates.
Your child is unique and we hope there are some takeaways here that work for you. If you’re looking for help parenting children with additional needs, you can get specific advice from specialist organisations. <a href="/about/">Check out our list of support that we can recommend.</a>

My child has friendship issues   

Children can experience peer pressure even in primary school. Try Place2Be expert's 5 steps to help your child stand up for themselves.

Your child’s peers are important to them but, usually, you’re the one they’ll listen to the most
Start by understanding the pressures your child is facing to help you support them. Peer pressure is when your child is influenced by others in their age group. It can be a good and bad.

<ul>
<li>Direct pressure – for example, pressure from others to dress or look a certain way.</li>
<li>Indirect pressure - for example, unless you play this game or watch this program you can't be part of this friendship group'.</li>
<li>Negative pressure - when a child is challenged to behave in a way that goes against their moral code or family values, such as treating someone badly, encouraging bullying or shoplifting.</li>
<li>Positive pressure - when a child is influenced to do things that are healthy, age-appropriate and socially acceptable. For example, joining a club or getting homework done.</li>
<li>Peer pressure can be exerted in different ways – including when your child is with others, or through social media.</li>
</ul>

Types of peer pressure

Model being able to say ‘no’ and not going along with their pressure
Say ‘no’ calmly and firmly when you need to when your child tries to persuade you to let them join in with others. Even when they’re saying ‘Pleeeeeease’ or complaining that ’it’s not fair’ and ‘everyone else can’.

Support your child’s healthy friendships
Help them to recognise friends that truly care about them and those who don’t. Encourage your child to do things that make them feel good about themselves. This will mean that they are less likely to need the affirmation of others.

<ul>
<li>At this stage of their lives, they want to be accepted by their friends.</li>
<li>They’re beginning to become more independent as a part of growing up.</li>
<li>They’re working out what their values and beliefs and how these are different or the same as others.</li>
<li>At this age children want to explore and think about the world and that includes taking risks and having fun with their peers.</li>
<li>When children aren’t free to be themselves it can make them less confident which may lead to increased stress and anxiety.</li>
</ul>

Why peer pressure is particularly challenging for Y5, Y6 and secondary school children 

Coach them in the process of thinking things over before deciding what to do
For example, saying ‘’ ok, so what would happen if you did that?’

<ul>
<li>They may do something that they regret, and then feel guilty regretful, ashamed, embarrassed and even frightened.</li>
<li>Resist the temptation to shame…everyone makes mistakes.</li>
<li>Help them to think about this as an opportunity for learning. This will make them stronger and next time they may choose to behave differently.</li>
</ul>

When your child gives in to negative peer pressure

Be calm and open to your child talking through the things that they want to do or have done in order to fit in even if it shocks you
Try: ‘Help me understand why you want to do/have that’.

<ul>
<li>Listen to your child when they are explaining to you what their values and beliefs are. This will make them stronger in who they are and less likely to follow others or be bullied.</li>
<li>Empathize with the wish but stick to your boundaries. ‘I can see you would really like to watch X, but we are only watching films that are right for your age’.</li>
</ul>

The benefits of listening and empathy

Remember this is hard for you too
If you need it, get support from a partner or other parents. Everyone is in the same boat.

Parenting Smart: Articles